Square Dancing Millionaires

Square dancers and callers sign multi-million dollar contracts.

by John Brant

The title of this article caught your attention, didn't it? Money almost always attracts attention. The news is dominated by the rich and famous. Who wants to read about losers? When was there ever a news story about people who lose the lottery or athletes who make very little money? There is no better way to create excitement and publicity than report about big money people.

Maybe Square Dancing could get on this "bandwagon". We obviously aren't going to be mentioned in the media for anything to do with money. Perhaps we are doing the wrong thing by offering good wholesome entertainment for only a few bucks. That is boring to the public. We need to change our strategy and do things completely different in order to attract new dancers.

First of all, we need to sign callers to HUGE multi-million dollar contracts. That will certainly gain attention in the media. The callers would be free agents who could be signed by other clubs for huge increases in pay. Cities could finance giant Square Dance arenas by increasing the sales tax or using tax money that could have been used for the police and schools.

I know what you're thinking. WHO is gonna PAY all these millions of dollars? Do professional team owners ask that question? IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. High priced tickets would be sold and season tickets for thousands of dollars would be offered. There would be a charge for parking and high priced concessions so the cities can have their cut. NO MORE FREE FOOD TO ANYONE. Luxury boxes would be rented out where city officials could bring their friends at tax payers expense. By offering money and "perks" to the politicians it is no problem getting millions of dollars from the tax payers.

There would also be professional Square Dancers making millions of dollars competing on television. They would be spiting on the floor and occasionally getting into fights to keep the viewers attention.

Statistics would be kept so there would be fan excitement when records were about to be broken. Mark McGuire's home run record would look pale compared to the number of times a caller could call "Load the Boat" in one year.

High prices don't seem to stop sport fans going to the games. The higher the price the better it seems. People place very little value on things that are nearly free. SO LET'S JACK THE PRICE UP. By having high prices that only rich people can afford, Square Dancing will be more desirable to the public. All of us naturally want to associate with rich successful people. This would be a good way to "weed out" the loser Square Dancers. Older people would no longer be allowed to dance because no one wants to pay to see old people. That would take care of the problem of mostly older people in Square Dancing.

Square Dancing clubs would move from city to city depending on the best deal they can get. And, of course, the owners of the clubs would insist the moves have nothing to do with money.

This new plan would solve all of the problems of Square Dancing. Professional sports have proven outrageous money is the key to success. Square Dancers and callers would become so rich that they would decide they wanted more and then go on strike. They could then sit around their mansions complaining how they are being cheated out of their share of the revenue.

Of course, none of us dancing today would be participating in this new plan because of our age, but we would enjoy sitting at home watching the dancing on Sunday afternoons and Monday nights. And besides, we could drink beer while we watched. NOW, THAT'S PROGRESS.

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