There are two funny men
The best I've ever seen
One is Mr. Gallagher, the other's Mr. Shean
When these two cronies meet
It surely is a treat
For the things they say and the things they do
And the funny way they greet

Shean Oh Mister Gallagher, Mister Gallagher
When you get home you'll get a great surprise
When your ship is drawing near
it will make you shed a tear
to see the lights of New York shining in the sky

Gallagher Oh Mr Shean, Mr Shean
I have made that trip so I know just what you mean
But there's one that shines so bright
it's the brightest one in sight
Shean Statue of Liberty, Mr Gallagher?
Gallagher Coney Island, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Oh, Mister Gallagher!
It's a long time now yet since you went away
You and I have been such pals
especially with the gals
and we missed you, oh we missed you every day
Gallagher Oh Mr. Shean. Oh Mr. Shean!
I've been away to school, that's why I've not been seen
The school taught Memory
and I took the first degree
Shean Name the school please Mr. Gallagher
Gallagher I forget it Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mister Gallagher!
Gallagher Hello, what's on your mind this morning, Mr. Shean?
Shean Everybody's making fun
of the way our country's run
All the papers say we'll soon live European
Gallagher Why, Mr. Shean. Why, Mr. Shean!
On the day they took away our old canteen
Cost of living went so high
That it's cheaper now to die
Shean Oh, that's silly Mr. Gallagher!
Gallagher Absolutely, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
If you're a friend of mine you'll lend me a couple of bucks!
I'm so broke and badly bent
I haven't got a cent
I'm so clean you'd think that I was washed in Lux!
Gallagher Oh, Mr. Shean. Oh, Mr. Shean!
Do you mean to say you haven't got a bean?
Mark my word as I'm alive
I intended touching you for five!
Shean Oh I thank you Mr. Gallagher!
Gallagher You are welcome, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Once I think I saw you save a lady's life!
In a rowboat out to sea
You were a hero then to me
And I thought perhaps you'd make this girl your wife
Gallagher Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
As she sunk I dove down like a submarine!
Dragged her up upon the shore
Now she's mine for evermore
Shean Who, the lady Mr. Gallagher?
Gallagher No! The rowboat, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
What's the name of the game they play upon the links?
With a stick they knock the ball
Where you can't find it at all?
And the caddie walks around and thinks and thinks?
Gallagher Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
You don't even know a hazard from a green
It's become a popular game
And you don't even know it's name
Shean Sure 'tis croquet, Mr. Gallagher?
Gallagher No! Lawn tennis, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
I was wondering why did you come here alone?
You must have something on your mind
to leave your wife so far behind
she can't even reach you on the telephone
Gallagher Mr. Shean! Why Mr. Shean
I came here because she treated me so mean
Was your married life all right?
Shean Mine was fight,fight,fight!
Look at that black eye Mr. Gallagher!
Gallagher Look at this one, Mr. Shean!

Shean Oh, Mr. Gallagher, Oh, Mr. Gallagher
In New York the girls wear such alluring styles
At 42nd and Broadway
You could find me every day
I used to follow them for miles and miles
Gallagher Oh, Mr. Shean, Oh Mr. Shean
Here in Egypt they have styles I've never seen
All up and down the Nile
the girls wear nothing but a smile
Shean That's why I'm here, Mr. Gallagher!
Gallagher That's why I'm here, Mr. Shean!