Let's get started! Oh NO, you're standing next to your speakers without wearing government-approved ear plugs. I SAID YOU'RE NOT WEARING EAR PLUGS. No, not *PLUS*! PLUGS!!! You're in violation of the safety regulations. You're supposed to have ear plugs. No, not WHEEL LUGS! EAR PLUGS!! I'm gonna write you up a citation. If you would have passed this test, normally we just go away and leave you alone. But since you're in violation, the only choice is to continue with a COMPLETE inspection.
You'll feel a slight pinch while I collect a skin sample for testing. Did that hurt? Oh well, that's the sacrifice we all make for SAFETY. The good news is your test results are positive. Your skin is THICK enough. Callers MUST have thick skin.
Stick out your tongue. Yes, that will do nicely. Your tongue has plenty of coating on it, so you easily passed this test. A caller must have a SILVER tongue.
Look at that chart on the wall and read the fifth line. Great! Your vision is perfect. Callers must have excellent eyesight. Even if you aren't a sight caller, you still need good eyes so you can read all those cards.
Go ahead and call a tip while I conduct a Sound Check. I'm gonna carry this Decibel Meter out onto the dance floor and make sure all the sound levels are in spec.
Your Decibel Levels were within tolerance. And now we finally get to my very favorite test, the briefcase inspection. We need to see if you have all the required safety equipment from this checklist.
Anti-Depressants: check. A caller must be happy and bubbly all the time. Puncture-Resistant Gloves: check. We can't risk an injury from a dirty old phonograph needle! Timing Belt: check. Timing is one of the most crucial aspects of calling. Voice Control: check. Gotta take care of the old windpipes.
Ego Deflater: Hmmm, where's your Ego Deflater? Yes I know, you're such a great caller that you don't NEED an Ego Deflater. I've heard it a thousand times before. You're still in violation of the rules.
Floor Breaker-Downer: check. Yep, gotta show all those dancers who's the REAL boss. Blame Placer: check. No doubt about it, everything is always someone else's fault. Change Resister: hey, where's your Change Resister? If you don't have a Change Resister, then when someone proposes a change, you're liable to be in FAVOR of it. Once again, you're in violation.
Dead-Horse Beater: check. It's highly satisfying to have the LAST WORD in every discussion. This is MUCH easier to accomplish if you have a Dead-Horse Beater.
Okay, that's it for the briefcase inspection. All that's left is a Test-Drive of the safety of your calling. After I square up in the front square, go ahead and call your best tip.
Heads Square Thru: no problem, that's a very SAFE opening gambit. Step to an Ocean Wave: HOLD ON for a minute while I take some measurements. Uh-oh, just as I thought, the handhold heights are all different! Some have high handholds, some are low, some are palm to palm. They're all DIFFERENT. This is in clear violation of the Uniform Safety Code.
Okay, I'll be out of here just as soon as I finish writing up this citation for the items where you failed the inspection.
What's that you're saying? Hang on, let me remove my ear plugs so I can hear you better. Oh, it seems like you have a small PROBLEM with the fact that I'm gonna WRITE YOU UP? Well, what are you gonna DO about it??
Ha ha ha, that won't work, and besides, it's the oldest trick in the book. You're trying to point your Blame Placer at me, but with this mirror in my hand, all the blame bounces back at YOU. Yep, it's your OWN fault that you're operating outside the safety regulations, and I'm STILL gonna write you up.
Trying to use your Floor Breaker Downer on me, yes? Please keep in mind that I can easily counter with my Change Resister. I'm a seasoned professional licensed safety inspector. I've seen ALL the tricks callers use to avoid being written up. For example, some callers try to slip anti-depressants into my drink. That tactic NEVER works. Others try to use their Dead Horse Beater on me, but hey, I ain't a Dead Horse, so it won't work. Nothing you can do will work. You're gonna be written up, no matter what.
Wait, WHO are these seven PEOPLE squaring up around me?? They're not in PROPER square dance ATTIRE! Please, STOP this! What are you DOING? Calling a square dance TIP?? STOP!! STOP calling plain-vanilla BASICS! I'm only human, and NO ONE can stand dancing SIMPLE choreography! OUCH!! These seven people can't DANCE well! It HURTS! Apparantly they're NEW DANCERS! I realize that we all WANT and NEED new dancers, but PLEASE, DON'T make me actually DANCE with them! It isn't my JOB! Let someone ELSE recruit 'em, and let someone else DANCE with them. AFTER they learn to dance, I'll recruit 'em into MY club. Please, STOP!! OUCH! This is TOO MUCH! Okay, you win. I'm NOT gonna write you up on a citation. In fact, I'm outta here, right NOW.
Nasser "have a safe day" Shukayr